I will remember you

So, after so many months, I've got the chance to write again!

By the way, for someone who is reading this. Happy New Year! Happy 2022!

Happy? Am I really am?

I would say that, I am 40% happy, the rest I am not.

I decided to come back home last June 2021 because I can't stand living in the dormitory with my co-workers. My roommate on the 2nd floor is the nicest person ever, but the rest are backstabbing b*tches. Somehow if they are interested to read this sh*tty blog, I don't care. I felt like they don't like me and acted like they owned the place and I hate people who do that. After a month, I decided to leave the company for good. My supervisor and the manager I worked with were nice people to work with. I got even promoted in my 3rd month! However, I am not motivated anymore because of other people questioning my promotion, why I stay in the dorm for girls, etc. My mother died last July 29, 2021, because of pneumonia and kidney failure, and other diagnoses that I don't understand. All she knew was she had myoma and it's painful in her back. But because of the lockdown, she was scared to go to the hospital that's why she tried to ease the pain for more than a year. Come March 2021, the pain became serious that she can't even stand up. Between March till June, I never got the chance to monitor her that much because I live in the dormitory, all I do is send extra cash so that once she got the courage to pay a visit to the doctor, she'll have "enough" money.

I remembered arguing with her around May 2021 because I noticed that she didn't complain about the pain that much anymore. I found out that some money that my sisters and I were sharing was used for buying herbal medicine! We all know that herbal medicine does not guarantee the 100% solution for her medical problem, but she insisted on taking those meds and I kept quiet as I never wanted to argue with my parents anymore. But we continue to warn her that she needed to do a full check-up. When she got the courage, public hospitals and clinics were full because it was the peak season of people getting sick because of Covid-19. That's why she never got the chance to get checked properly as she needed an ultrasound, CT scan, etc.

Come July 24, 2021, she went to church with my father. When they went back home, what she felt was really drastic as I remembered her screaming because of pain until it continued the next day. That's why we sent her to a private hospital because we had no option but to send her to a hospital that is not fully occupied.

July 25, 2021, she was asked to stay in a room to check if she got infected with Covid-19, and luckily she was negative. They did more random tests and multiple interviews for doctors to fully understand the situation. She can't have surgery as she was anemic that's why she had blood transfusions. When her blood count was good, OB-Gyne didn't approve the operation for her myoma yet because they found out that she has pneumonia, they needed tests and approval from other doctors if she is fit to get the operation.

We waited, we slept, we ate, did everything to entertain my mother for a few days, until July 27, 2021, she became hypothermic, I remember more than 15 doctors and nurses were coming in and out of my room. They asked for my permission to place my mother in the ICU so that she can have proper care assistance. But my mother insisted to stay in the room. I gave her the assurance that she'll stay in the room but she has to promise that her numbers in ECG will get better, and she did. Everything became better when my father and my younger sister came in. I was really happy. The next day, because of multiple random tests and she never slept well, she became more irritated because of less sleep, she started removing her rebreather mask, she started shaking her numb hands and feet maybe because of bedsore for so many days. Doctors came in and offered to do dialysis for my mother so that after successful dialysis, she can have the operation. We agreed as we trusted the doctors. On the afternoon of July 28, 2021, doctors were announcing code blue as my mother didn't respond to the doctors anymore. We were screaming until she finally woke up when my father started talking to her.

They continued with her dialysis and returned her to the room, we prayed, we talked to her. We were crying, her feet were cold, but she still nodded when we talked to her. I remembered placing some foils on her feet as I wanted to make sure that she'll get warm.

My elder sister, younger sister, and I went back to our house to get change and rest a little. Twenty minutes later, my youngest sister called in and cried out loud to tell us that our mother was announced dead.

I am sorry, I wanted to continue this blog, however, I am crying while I am typing. Someday, somehow, I don't know when, but when I got that strength to share more, I will.

I miss you so much, Nay! I won't say that I never got the chance to be with you all the time because we live together ever since I was young, through my worst and my successes in life, you were there. So I was hoping that during my success, I wanted to give more. I wanted you to experience more so that you could share your stories with your friends and family. You were so excited to be called senior when you were 59 years old because you wanted to make sure that you'll get all the benefits that other senior citizens are getting. But you never had that chance. So I was just really wishing that your life span could have extended. We planned so many things when the COVID-19 situation got better. But you're not here. You're gone.

I wish that heaven had visiting hours so that I could see you and talk to you. Drink together and bully you more as that's one of my favorites.

You'll be in my heart. Always.