Undo Thirty-Two

So today is October 1st and in the next 24 days, I will turn 32. Eight years left, I will die.

Funny that I am planning my life to be that way. My family is aware that I always express of dying at the age of 40. How do I imagine it would happen? I always wanted to have a peaceful death. I don't want it to be dramatic I don't have the specifics but I just want a peaceful death sentence. LOL.

I am not a suicidal person, It's just that I don't see myself living longer than the age of forty. I didn't even imagine killing myself. It would be morbid and it would be against my beliefs.

So why are we talking about my life expiration date if we are celebrating life in the next 24 days? Random thoughts perhaps.

When I was younger, I cracked a joke about dying at the age of 30. I had a Peter Pan syndrome. I was afraid of getting older. I was afraid of things that would happen to me physically. As you all know, I don't have perfect skin. So I was thinking, with this skin that I have I will never ever find a partner in my life. And I always thought that with the drastic appearance of my skin, It'll get worse as I age out.

Now that I am 31 years old, I learned to love myself more. I mastered the skill of not blaming my parents for inheriting psoriasis from my father. I am also not sure if I got psoriasis from him, so why should he take being held responsible for who I am now?

But I was right, my skin worsens as I grow older. my psoriasis is not pronounced anymore. But because of using too many topical creams to clear the scales, my skin became thinner that I can't even touch it much nor even scratch it with my nails. I have stretch marks. I can't have a playful activity with my nieces and nephews as much as I wanted to because my skin will suffer. I can't wear shorts. I can't wear a bikini. And I started to think that I am pseudo-intellectual because I always edit my photos before posting it on social media.

Maybe now you understand why I wanted to limit my life expectancy. I don't have enough money to cure myself. I don't even know if I can afford it even I had extra cash. Not to mention having an assurance if my skin will heal and go back the way it was. I have never seen successful research about this messy skin and remedies are always temporary. No matter how expensive it is.

Given the chance to choose between my past and future, I would rather go back to my past and see if there is something wrong that I did that it's making me suffering from this illness. I want to undo 32 years of my life and see it myself if there was this person I crossed in the wrong way. Maybe in that way, I could accept the fact that I am currently facing the consequences.

What will I do, in the next eight years? Accuse me of being a gold digger but I have been wishing to meet a prince given the chance. I will ask for help and see if there is any way that this could be fixed using his financials. Obviously, it's just a dream. I also imagined that I am a lonely trans who met a cosmetic surgeon and will do anything to fix my physical appearance. This is what you get by watching 200 Pounds Beauty. ( a Korean Movie )

But seriously, given the chance to participate in medical research, I would be the first person to raise my hand and participate. I want to help other people who are suffering from the same skin disease that I have. Who knows I will earn money because of that.

I am not as lucky as my mother in winning a small amount of money in the lottery, but given the chance, I would love her to win a lot of money. So I could die peacefully. So I would know that even though I am dead, she could have a better life. Traveling, spending time with my father, buy the house that she ever wanted. Buy the things that she wants. Insurance or even donations to church like my father always wanted. In that way, I am confident enough that all of our family members will have a stable life.

So much for being selfish right? Whenever I brought up about dying at the age of 40, we always laugh because they were thinking that I would still live longer. I don't know what the future holds. But all I want is to have a fruitful life with my family.